Finally, we turned the page from the 2026 midterm election and the cavalcade of nonsense it brought to bear. But lo and behold, look what’s been awaiting to scarf up our attention: A locked-and-loaded pharmaceutical industry poised to peddle a new round of pixie dust to cure obscure diseases and conditions some had no idea they had until they saw the commercial. “Look, honey, I think I have that!” Christ, they even lured Jack Nicklaus out of retirement! Poor Jack must’ve burned through his cash or lost a fortune in crypto.
Big Pharma has a nifty gig: It formulates a pill, then assigns it to a condition that it has rebranded to sound like a dreadful disease. And Americans, who claim to covet the concept of holisticity and cleaner living but lunge for every pill on the table, are suckers for anything that allows them to bypass effort. Moreover, most of the new drugs don’t deal with the conditions that afflict us “everyday folk.” So, without further ado, I introduce you to the new, hot-off-the-assembly-line drug: Holegone.
If you’ve ever awakened in the morning stricken by the realization, My God, I’m married to an asshole, there’s Holegone. Taken once a day, Holegone will transform the jackass to whom you are legally bound into a prince or princess. Burnt dinners? No worries! Holegone will eclipse your culinary expectations and help you see the potential benefits of eating charcoal. And say goodbye to sleepless nights after discovering that your spouse maxed out the credit card. Holegone will help you accept that it’s only money. Suddenly, all those dreams of becoming an axe murderer will magically disappear, replaced by rainbows and waterfalls. And as for those distressed phone calls featuring the cry, Honey, I ran out of gas? Holegone will help remind you that you’ve always dreamed of running out to 12th and Venango at one o’clock in the morning. Remember, just one pill a day, and you’ll never have to pay a divorce attorney.
Don’t take Holegone after pregnancy, or your kids will grow up to be morons. Side effects may include a suspicious tolerance for bankruptcy, real estate foreclosure, car repossession, deep-fried turkey explosions, plumbing catastrophes, and getting stranded at airports.
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