Michael's Corner

It has been well documented that there has been a sharp uptick in anxiety and depression as a result of the Covid 19 virus, the way the disease was handled, the vaccine, or all three. Marry that issue to the day’s sexual politics, which have sent young men and women into neutral corners where they have become stubbornly entrenched, and what you get is a combustible society. As women continue to flounder on dating apps, desperately hoping to pair-bond, men, who have lost their equilibrium in these volatile days of sexual politics, have become increasingly addicted to porn while pretending that real life takes place on TikTok. The result? As many social scientists have illustrated on podcasts and in well-researched articles, men and women under the age of thirty are having less sex than at any time in human history.

So, where am I going with this? These anxiety-laden, undersexed, and frustrated people all participate in one activity: DRIVING!

Raise your hand if you’ve been in front of someone on a single-lane road, who’s riding your bumper with eyes bulging like Ralph Kramden’s and shifting like Saquon Barkley’s dissecting the line of scrimmage for a crease of daylight. This poor bastard is as combustible as a gas pocket rumbling around the intestines of an eighty-year-old who can’t wait for church to let out. But at least the eighty-year-old will have enough sense to fake a coughing spell and leave the church mid-Mass. Meanwhile, Driver X, who treats his commute like a fight to the death and thus has decided that passing you is an imperative on the order of The Siege Perilous, uses the narrow shoulder on the right, whips around you, and then flips you the bird. Then, at long last, like Sir Galahad, who has taken the vacant seat at the Round Table, fulfilling a 454-year prophecy, Driver X sits triumphantly at a red light.

For Driver X and others who drive angry and treat roads and highways like an MMA octagon, I’ve been thinking about creating signs. “Did someone forget to masturbate today?” would be one example. “Couldn’t coax anyone into giving you a handjob?” would be another.

Okay, I’m not suggesting that we return to Clintonian sexual levels, but today’s scarcity is making America’s roads unsafe. So, just as we mandate that seniors of a certain age must prove they’re still safe behind the wheel, we should also have a dictum that states: Those who have gone beyond four years without having had an orgasm with another person in the room are a danger on the road.

And that concludes my Sunday farce. Happy Father’s Day!